Tag Archives: fear

15 weeks to go…

15 weeks to go and I’ll admit it….I’m scared. As d-day speedily approaches, the feeling that something will go wrong…that ominous feeling that bad things will happen is growing. I so want it to be over, I want to hide in bed until its all done. Feeling like I’m in limbo, holding my breath and expecting the worst… Every kick and hiccup remind me of whats coming. How am I going to get through this all over again???
I have a birth plan. Well, I *had* a birth plan. But it feels insufficient now, in fact it makes me angry as its basically a giant lie. They say that mammals like to “nest” and make safe little caves to give birth in. I’ve seen my cats do it (although their caves, admittedly, were generally cardboard boxes), and until now I’ve never really understood that. But that’s what I’m doing now, I think. I don’t want to leave home in labour, and sadly – I don’t want to let anyone in either. I don’t trust any of them. And I’m angry about that – I wasn’t expecting to be angry. Woe betide the poor midwife who has to come and perform the obligatory pre-homebirth visit on our house (if we get to that point). I don’t want to discuss particulars, far less “expectations”, for fear of becoming unfairly unpleasant. At the moment, even seeing the word “hypnobirth” is about enough to send me over the edge with a stream of “f*** you”s – do these women not realise how lucky they were? That birth is essentially a really rubbish game of Dare, where you’re allowed to “risk it” for….5 minutes? an hour? six? It’ll vary according to how “normal” you are, how fed up your midwife is and how hyperactive the ants in Siberia are on that particular day. If you get the birth you want, you were lucky. And I’m angry I didn’t get that chance and angry that the odds are stacked against me getting it this time.
New strategy/aim for the week? Stop thinking about it, in fact thinking about birth is now officially banned (lets see how long that lasts). I’m now on team “head-in-the-sand” until May. Head could also remain in the sand well into June as well. Then, hopefully, back to normal…

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